I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
