He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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