Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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