Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
