My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
