ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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