she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
