Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
