I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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