Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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