if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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