I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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