i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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