I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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