I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
