this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
