I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
