U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
