I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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