Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
