i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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