Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
