Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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