Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
