Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
