I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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