Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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