Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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