how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
two words...techno handjob
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
