My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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