I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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