dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
