Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Michael Bay diarrhea
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
