She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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