I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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