how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize