No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
