I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
