You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My vagina is officially offended.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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