My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
