If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
