My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
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Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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