I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
