I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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