the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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