Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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