she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
