Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
