so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
