I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
