My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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