it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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