First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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