I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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