you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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